Every Pound Counts

2 May

 

 

Misty Water Colored Memories

30 Apr

So this is what I looked like circa 2002–just for a little perspective. Image

(Sorry for the creepy “eraser-face”…. I’m just not ready to put my face out on the internet quite yet)

In this picture I weighed about 156 pounds. I know that still sounds like quite a bit, but I am 5’8 and I was pretty muscle-licious back then. If you noticed, I am in a pool. I was a swimmer in High School and I was exercising several hours per day to maintain that 156 pound weight. 

I know I will never look this way again. But, its nice to know that I looked that way once. If only that teenager in the picture could be more confident and appreciate the beautiful body that she has. She didn’t. But, when I get down below 200 pounds, I know I will be so much more confident and happy than I ever was at 156. 

 

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Fashion Friday

27 Apr

Some of my favorite blogs give “plus size” fashion advice, and they even show pics of women with real bodies wearing the clothes. Now, I know I don’t have the budget or the photography skills to compete with anybody in the blog-o-sphere, but I thought it might be fun to do a “Fashion Friday” post to give you an idea of what I’m wearing these days. (And, maybe, hopefully, fingers crossed, you can see my body changing week by week).

So this is what I wore today!

Jeans: Torrid (size 20!)

Tank: Old Navy

Cardigan: Old Navy

Belt: Macy’s

Shoes: Sketchers

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I’m Back!

26 Apr

So its been…. way too long. 

I fell off the wagon…. hard. 

I ate cheeseburgers, pizza and ice cream and pretended like it wouldn’t catch up with me. 

My size 22 pants got a little snug, and I remembered all of the hard work I had done in January and February. I thought a lot about my blog and felt guilty. So I ate a little bit more. 

Then, something happened. I remembered how much I hate feeling guilty. I read other weight loss blogs and was inspired by the progress the authors were making. I watched the people on Biggest Loser, (who once weighed more than me), shrink into tiny versions of their old selves. I decided I want that. 

So, I started exercising again. I started making my own lunch at work and eating dinner at home. I started to care more. I remembered that no one is going to do this for me… I have to be in control. This is something I will fight forever… giving up is not an option. 

And, now here I am. Everything isn’t perfect, and it is FAR from easy. But I will continue to keep trying. 

So, March was a big failure as far as weight loss goes. But here are my stats as of today….

Weight: 250 lbs. 

Pounds lost since Jan. 1, 2012: -25 lbs. 

Pant Size: 20 (yay!) 

**Anecdote** Since I’ve been working hard this month, my Mom noticed that I lost a little weight and she said the following (meant to be a compliment): 

“You’ve gone from morbidly obese to just obese”! 

Hahaha. Gotta love her attempt to be supportive. 

 

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Week 7

19 Feb

Current Weight: 257 lbs.

Weight Lost This Week: – 1 lb.

Total Weight Lost (Since Jan. 1, 2012): -18 lbs.

I only lost one pound this week, which I guess is understandable considering that I got a little out of control with my eating. I’ve been dating someone for a few weeks, and we’ve been going out to eat a lot. Even though I try to stay on track with my diet, its just plain harder to eat healthy at a restaurant. The portions are bigger, everything (including veggies) is cooked in butter, and alcohol is a constant temptation. I guess we should talk about my relationship with alcohol now.

Before I decided to embark on this journey to lose weight and improve my health, I had a little bit of an alcohol problem. It never got too out of hand–I didn’t hurt my family or anything like that. But I was hurting myself. I was depressed and lonely, and alcohol helped me to get rid of those feelings for a little while. I think drinking heavily for an extended period of time was a significant reason why I gained a lot of my weight. When I started to lose some friends, I had to face the facts and accept that I had a drinking problem. I started going to therapy and got sober over a year ago. For the most part, I have remained sober ever since. For me, it has been easier to stay sober when I avoid social situations. That is part of why dating has been so scary, I didn’t know if I could do it sober. For our first few dates, I was sober and it was okay. Last night we did have a few drinks, and while I didn’t get out of control drunk, I was disappointed in myself for falling off the wagon. I also knew how many calories were in the drinks I was consuming, but I drank them anyways. Today, I felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I decided to “nurse” those feelings by being lazy and not working out, eating ice cream, and indulging in pizza. I feel worse than ever, and I want to get out of this depressive guilty place ASAP.

I seriously considered not sharing this information on my blog, but I promised in the beginning that I would always be honest about my struggles. Feeling down about myself and then going on an eating/drinking binge is one of my most serious struggles. When you feel that you have “fallen off the wagon” its very difficult to hoist yourself back up there. I have decided to let today be my “cheat” day, and then tomorrow I have to get back on board, with everything–sobriety, exercise and diet. Having this blog to keep me accountable is very helpful. I easily could have continued my binge all week and no one would have had to know about it… but when we cheat, even if no one finds out, we are only cheating ourselves.

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Week 6

12 Feb

Current Weight: 258 lbs.
Weight Lost This Week: -4 lbs.
Total Weight Lost (Since Jan. 1, 2012): -17 lbs.

I can’t believe I’m in the 250s! I hope I never see the 260s or the 270s ever again. I worked hard at controlling my eating this week, (especially the late night snacking), and I feel like it has paid off! I will continue to do as Oprah says, and “shut down my kitchen” at 8:00pm.
Also, my heart has been pumping extra hard this week. Not just from exercising (which I did only 4 times this week), but because I’ve started dating someone! I told you all last week how terrified I was to go on my first date in 2 years. I always thought I would start dating once I reached my goal weight. It was always some distant dream that I never thought I was actually capable of doing…. much like reaching that distant goal weight, in fact.
But, I did it anyway. Just like how I am forcing myself to eat fruits and vegetables instead of hamburgers and french fries, I forced myself to go out on this date. Getting dolled up and attempting to feel confident was much harder than any workout I’ve done thus far. But I still did it! And it ended up going well, actually. I stuck to my diet even when we went out to dinner–which was tough. I didn’t eat a bunch of the pre-dinner bread, I didn’t order any wine, and I had to be a bit of an annoying order-er. I hate being the one who has to ask for the dressing on the side, or if something is grilled or fried, or to substitute extra veggies instead of mashed potatoes… but thats what it takes to stick to my diet.
I used to be a waitress a few years ago, so I’m always sensitive to them. I realized, however, that people respect the healthy choices I’m trying to make. After I ordered, my date said, “I’m the easy one, no substitutions for me”. I was a little embarrassed when he said that, so I decided to come clean and explain that I’m trying to eat healthier. He was totally supportive and said he’s trying to do the same thing (he isn’t the skinniest person either). That was such a huge relief for me that I decided to let my guard down a little and we ended up having a lot of fun. We actually went out a second time this past week too!
He wants us to go on a date to the gym soon. I’m nervous about that, because even though I do exercise regularly, I’m still not in the best shape. But, I think its sweet that he wants to support me in that way. Has anyone noticed the complete lack of cute workout clothes for plus size girls?? I hate that I can’t throw together a cute little ensemble for our gym date! Any suggestions on what to wear would be appreciated.
My goal for the upcoming week is to get in the pool for a swim workout. I was a swimmer in high school and I always loved how free I felt being in the water. I haven’t been back in the pool for years because I have always felt too fat to get in a bathing suit in public. But, with my newfound confidence I think I am ready to give it a try! :)

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Motivational Quote

6 Feb

Week 5

5 Feb

Current Weight: 262 lbs.

Weight Lost This Week: -3 lbs.

Total Weight Lost (Since Jan. 1, 2012): -13 lbs.

I can’t believe that I dropped 3 pounds this week. Well… I guess I should believe it because I’ve been working my butt off. I’ve been keeping my calories to about 1500, with unlimited fruits and vegetables. I also exercised every day this week, and I definitely upped the intensity of my workouts. I walked on the treadmill a few times, went to my local Zumba class (so much fun!), and tried the Bob Harper “Beginner” Workout DVD–hardest. thing. ever.

As I expected last week, finding the time to exercise before going to work proved to be quite a big challenge for me. I was only able to actually drag myself out of bed and onto the treadmill before work once. On the other days, I made it a priority as soon as I got home from work to pop in an exercise DVD, go for a walk with my dogs, or attend an evening aerobics class. This forced me to make adjustments to my eating schedule (dinner happened at 7:30 or 8, instead of 5:30 or 6).

I guess the important thing is that I figured out how to make exercise work for me and my schedule. I really wish I could be one of those people who wake up naturally with the sun and the birds, and have plenty of time in the morning for a leisurely walk or a cup of coffee. I am not. Every morning I press snooze at least twice, praying that I just dreamt up that horrible beeping noise, and I really have a few more precious minutes. Then, because I was so greedy with my extra time in bed, I usually end up running a few minutes late. I rush out the door while throwing on whatever clothes smell the cleanest, pulling my hair into a rushed, messy, unprofessional ponytail and haphazardly doing my makeup in the car on my way to work. (I know, I know… I only do it at stoplights though!) Anyways, I don’t really see time for a workout in there, do you??

I realize that as I continue to commit to my new and improved lifestyle, developing a healthier relationship with sleep is going to be a very important piece. I will have to go to bed earlier in order to not feel so terrible in the mornings. I will have to embrace the day, as those other people of whom I am so envious seem to do. Even if its uncomfortable at first, I know I will get used to it eventually. I can attest to that statement from experience. About 5 weeks ago, the thought of salad for dinner or blending up spinach into a smoothie would have made me throw up a little in my mouth. But, I have to say, I am starting to get used to it. Just a little. I still don’t love spinach… I’m just dealing with it.

In other news…. I’ve been feeling a little bit more “in control” of my life, which is a good thing. I believe that feeling has led to a little more self confidence, which is also a very good thing that I was desperately in need of. That self confidence has led me to chatting with some men–which I never would have done before. Normally, I would have shuffled hurriedly by them while staring intently at my feet and praying that they wouldn’t look at me. I certainly wouldn’t seek out any interaction with a man on purpose. But, those things are starting to change. In fact, I actually have a date with someone that I met online coming up this week!

I have to say that I am TERRIFIED. He hasn’t seen my whole body yet, and I’m so nervous I will be rejected because of it. I don’t know if I can handle that. I’m pretty sure if that happened, it would result in my feeling like all of my efforts thus far have been pointless and I would fall off the “dieting” wagon big time. I’m nervous because I don’t know what to wear. I know I’m not sexy at this weight, and I’m not going to pretend to be, because that will just make for an even more uncomfortable evening. I want to believe there is some special secret outfit out there that will magically transform my sagging, stretch marked, size 22 belly into a nice trim size 10. I know that no matter what I wear I’m still going to be fat, and he’s most likely going to be grossed out by that. Hell, I’m pretty grossed out by that myself. Everyone says I should just be myself and be confident, but that is very hard to do when you don’t like yourself all that much and your “confidence” wavers with every increase in water weight. I haven’t been on a date in years… I was probably 225 pounds the last time I went on a date, and I felt hideous even at that weight. Any advice is very much appreciated!

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Week 4 — Pleasantly Surprised

29 Jan

Current Weight: 265 lbs.

Weight Lost This Week: -2 lbs.

Total Weight Lost (Since Jan. 1, 2012): -10 lbs.

10 pounds down!

I am pleasantly surprised this week, because I actually lost 2 pounds!

[TMI Warning]

I thought I might gain weight this week because  it has been “that time of the month”. I’ve always heard that its harder to lose weight during this “time”. I’ve been feeling uncomfortable and motivating myself to exercise has been very challenging. I only exercised twice this week, but to make up for that I tried to do really good on my eating. I didn’t allow for much indulgence and I was very careful about what I put in my mouth. Writing down everything I ate really did help me to be more careful.

Some examples of my "food journals"

Last Sunday, I challenged myself to write down everything I ate–and I did it! Having my little Weight Watchers tracker helped me, but its not mandatory–a little notebook would do just fine. The hardest part was to write down what I ate immediately after I ate it. If I didn’t do it right away, by the end of the night I would forget.

I think the whole point of writing down what you eat is to force us to be more mindful…to really be aware of just how much we eat throughout the day. For the first few days, I was blown away by how much I was actually eating in a day. I learned that my “snacking time” is between dinner and bedtime. A nice bowl of cereal or a cup of herbal tea has been helping me calm down my late-night munchies this week. Overall, I think this is a very helpful strategy for weight loss, although it does take a lot of time and self discipline to log everything right away. I will continue to employ this technique in the coming weeks.

My favorite meal this week

My favorite meal this week was my Spaghetti Squash “Pasta”. As we all know, carbs are the devil. It has been very difficult for me to effectively cut down my carbs, because I love bread and pasta…and doughnuts…and cake. Oops, I got sidetracked there for a second. Okay, so I haven’t found a healthy substitute for doughnuts yet, but I did find a great substitute for pasta. I loved this meal because it was chock full of vitamins and fiber, and I was stuffed afterward! (Which is not a feeling one often gets in the midst of dieting). Enjoy!

Cut a spaghetti squash in half, length wise. (It takes some serious muscle!) Brush lightly with olive oil and sprinkle with Italian herbs and spices.

After you have scraped out the pumpkin-like seeds, and brushed the squash with your desired flavorings, cover spaghetti squash loosely with tinfoil, bake in the oven at 350 degrees for at least 30 mins. Squash is done when it looks dryish and it flakes when you drag a fork over it. When the squash comes out of the oven, drag your fork over it like this…

Its actually really cool, the sides of the squash kind of shred into a spaghetti like pile!

Brown 99% lean ground turkey, add low-cal marinara sauce to the meat, and scoop this meat sauce onto your "pasta".

It makes for a delicious low calorie and very filling dinner. I highly recommend it!

Sprinkled with 1tbs parmesan cheese! Mmmmmm

Challenge for Week Five

This week my challenge is going to be to increase my exercise–the frequency, the duration and the intensity. In order for me to do this, I’m going to have to wake up a little earlier each day to get my exercise in before I go to work. I’ve noticed that when I try to put off working out until later on in the day, something always comes up and I don’t end up doing it. So, my challenge this week is to workout before going to work at least 3 times this week. As far as exercise goes, I really need to mix it up. I’m getting so bored with my treadmill, and its too cold where I live to go exercise outside so I need to try some new activities. I feel too self conscious at this weight to enter a gym, so I’d like to workout at home. Any suggestions for me?

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Measurements (at 267)

25 Jan

Last post, I promised to find a source for the theory that writing down everything we eat promotes weight loss. I found an interesting article from US News and World Report that supports the idea. Read it if you have a chance.

4 Ways a Food Diary Can Help You Lose Weight – US News and World Report.

Another theory I hear a lot is that measurements are a more accurate portrayal of weight loss than the number on the scale. You’ve probably heard some variation of this, such as:  ”the scale is just a number”, “muscle weighs more than fat”, or (my personal favorite), “its all in how your clothes fit”. Here is an article that supports this theory, from Live-Strong:

Losing Inches Vs. Weight | LIVESTRONG.COM

So, with this in mind, I have decided to take my measurements now, and then I will remeasure with every 10 pounds lost. (From past attempts at weight loss, I know that, for me, 10 pounds corresponds to a dress size, so its the perfect time to take new measurements!)

Here are mine, at 267 pounds, Size 22.

Neck: 15 inches

Arm: 17 inches (bicep, halfway between shoulder and elbow)

Chest: 47 inches (measured over the largest part of my chest. I know this will be the first place my weight comes off. But its the only place I want to stay fat!)

Waist: 48 inches (measured at the natural waist, with tape measure going directly over my belly button.) Dr. Oz says waist circumference is the most important measurement of our overall health. A healthy woman is supposed to have a waist circumference under 35 inches. That means I need to lose 13  inches off my waist. Over a foot! Seriously?? I guess I really have my work cut out for me.

Hips: 55 inches (measured at widest point, including butt)

Thigh: 27 inches (halfway between knee and hip bone)

Calf: 17 inches (this is why I can’t wear cute boots, ever)

I’ve got such a long way to go. *Sigh*

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